So I have been wrestling with the idea of instilling intrinsic rather that extrinsic motivation in children (both my own children and those I teach). In particular I have been going backward and forwards with the idea of pride and communicating our pride for our children (for either who they are or for what they have achieved.)
My struggle is that communicating this pride can push our children to perform and ultimately operate from extrinsic motivation. However, my gut tells me that there is a balance here and that children need to experience an element of pride from their teachers and parents?
I would love to know what some of you think on this. I wonder if there is an issue of semantics and what we actually mean when we use the word pride.
Over to you
mindsetdiscussion 
Hi Tim. Pride is something I have also struggled with lot least in reference to speaking with and about my own children. If they do something that is good (it occasionally happens!) should I say I am proud of them? I personally think not, as it, for me, implies that I had something to do with their achievement. I tend therefore, now that I am a “mindsets” guru, to say to them that they should be proud of what they have done in order to achieve whatever it is they have achieved. It can feel a bit “clunky” I know, but I am getting more used to it. I have a great aversion to hearing teachers or parents or others say how proud they are of other people’s achievements – it sounds so self-reflective. It happens a lot on social media (Facebook for example). Thanks for raising this. Tony
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This is one of the most frequent areas of discussion/controversy when we explore the issue of motivation as it relates to praise etc, and it can lead to quite heated discussions – no bad thing in itself! My personal view is that there are better ways of communicating high regard to children – like showing great interest in them and their achievements, and talking about the processes that led to these achievements. Pride does imply an implicit “do it to make me proud” sense, and inadvertently detracts from the child’s sense of personal agency. Whether I’ve always lived this in practice is another Q altogether ….
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I agree that it is partly a matter of semantics. I wonder if parental pride is actually quite close to unconditional parental love. We were “proud” of our babies before they had even given us a windy smile, and that kind of unconditional positive regard should be every child’s birthright. They all need that constant, delighted, watchful attention as they develop. But we don’t have to say, “Well done, you’re so clever”; we can show our watchful attention by noticing, “You’re trying it (whatever skill/problem) a different way. How’s it going?”
I also agree with Tony and Barry that it’s quite hard to suppress – or sit light to – one’s own aspirations for one’s children, and there is also a societal assumption that we should indeed be proud of our children’s achievements. “You must be very proud” said an uncle to me quite recently. I replied by saying that our girls had worked really hard and were really motivated. A bit “clunky”, as Tony says —
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